On TV, the man shuts the door, opens it, shuts it again and Twitter explodes. He shouldn’t have opened it to begin with. Instead of putting my dirty bedsheets into the laundry machine, I put them in my closet. Like a game of Memory except that no cards have an exact match. When I pick flowers, I try to find ones that look lonely. A backpack without straps—akin to the situation in Apartment 302. Look, the envelope had no address so I assumed it was mine. It was only 20 years later that I realized my name wasn’t John. If I made you eat a sandwich in less than 30 seconds, would you try? It isn’t that I can’t, it’s that I don’t want to. The mermaid, with the blue hair and the thin legs. When I was 11 years old, a boy called me “sassy” and I have never lived it down. To write is to move your fingers in an inconsistent pattern for an extended period of time. A dresser drawer that refuses to close neatly. I like to collect old keys, walk around with a jangle and pretend I am a janitor. Would you rather swim in an algae-filled pond or an algae-filled lake? Another option is an algae-filled bathtub. The trashman no longer could distinguish between the scent of a rotten banana and a tulip – does that make you feel sad? Like when my sister put my stuffed animal in the dryer. The first sign of a sick cat is the tumor. A standing ovation or a competition to see? Please stop pinching my stomach, I can promise you this isn’t a dream. Sweep it under the rug and call it a day. Just wait until the balloons drop!